“When we create the heat in another person’s body before creating it in ourselves, we are making a false fire.”

As individuals, we are inherently sexual beings.

We are one of the few species that engage in sex simply for physical pleasure or release that it provides. Some would argue that sex devoid of any emotional connection simply cannot be satisfying for the participants. In other words, a necessary element of good sex is an emotional connection between two or more people; otherwise, you will continue to search for that individual who fulfills both the emotional and physical aspects of sex.

This concept reminds me of an article that was based on a survey (The Social Organization of Sexuality) and data taken from the University of Michigan’s Department of Sociology. The article argues that social (environmental) forces are the driving forces on how often a woman achieves orgasm compared to a man. The article further claims that society elevates the need for men to achieve orgasm over women. History suggests this to be true. We are taught that women desire foreplay and men simply want to have an orgasm—and then rollover and go to sleep.

This attitude is reinforced through society, but is this really true that men only want to get off at the expense of women?

Of course, some men are only seeking a physical release. But I have discovered these men represent a tiny fraction of my encounters.

Instead, what drives most men is not the need to have sex devoid of any emotional connection but a passionate desire to know their partner is also enjoying having sex with them. These men pay attention to the small clues from a partner about what is pleasurable. Indeed, I have generally found in my personal life as well as my professional life that men enjoy the emotional connection that comes with foreplay. They enjoy kissing, touching, and exploring their partner. This is especially true for those individuals that I see on a regular basis.

Even with the people I have only seen once, there generally appears to be a true desire on both of our parts to connect and to enjoy the experience rather than simply having a physical release.

“The Heart of Tantric Sex,” by Diana Richardson, makes the compelling argument that the principles of tantric sex focus on being fully aware of what we’re experiencing as opposed to performance and the end result. With those partners who are not result-oriented, we find intimacy and pleasure beyond compare. I honestly believe everyone, men and women, can benefit from Tantra.

Please do not confuse intimacy with love. Yes, intimacy can grow into love but only if the parties both desire it to do so. Rather, intimacy is the simple desire to connect with another, to feel safe in their arms, to enjoy the moment and bring pleasure to each other. It is enjoying each other without judgment.

Intimacy only requires that you both want to enjoy the time together regardless of what the future may bring. Love requires nurturing. Intimacy only requires a desire to be close to someone no matter how fleeting because it heightens the overall experience. Indeed, the one characteristic I have generally found, both in my personal and professional life as a companion, is that my partners have genuinely shown an endearing interest in female sexual pleasure, foreplay, cuddling, kissing, and pillow talk.

In other words, we all have a desire for intimacy. That’s what makes us human beings unique. It’s not just the sex — but everything that comes before and after it.